Q: What is SGAD?
A: Seasonal Greetings Affective Disorder is a very real, often misdiagnosed psycho-seasonal condition, prompted by the consumer crazed red, green and sometimes blue nightmare known as the Holidays.
Symptoms include manic merriment, Macy's induced rapid heart rate, cold sweats and dizziness in Banana Republic dressing rooms, and disassociation triggered by most commonly, any version of "Carol of the Bells". The scent of evergreen, Yankee candles, and various other festive Christian potpourris are also common panic inducers.
No, SGAD is not actors union.
Q: Who gets SGAD?
A: Everyone. Christians, Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Agnostics. Even Wiccans. Especially Wiccans. Those living closest to departments stores or other consumer hubs with insidious holiday jingle soundtracks are most affected.
Q: How is SGAD treated?
A: PleaseJudgme recommends picking the perfect Tonya Harding get up- from leg warmers to earmuffs to peppermint flavored lipgloss- and ice skating, followed by binge hot toddy drinking, and then a visit to the Bergdorfs window display after midnight.